I was 17 years old when I chose my college major. English class always made me feel safe, felt like a natural selection. I don’t blame that 17 year old for choosing what she felt in her heart would benefit her to study. I blame the world of corporate greed for telling her ever since that decision, her life’s path had already been selected. There was no opportunity to grow from there. A choice that costs a lot of money and a lot of time to change once you’ve already decided. A choice that at one time I coveted because it got me into college. Actual, real university and made me the first in my family to experience that level of education. I wish I had been more prepared for what was to come. A world that held judgement, harshness and unforgiving boundaries. I find myself now almost 10 years later, unable to shake the feeling that I am in the wrong place in life. To place that much importance over a job feels… depressing.
I know I am not alone in feeling this way, but that doesn’t make it any less of a lonely feeling. I know there is light at the end of this dark tunnel, but it doesn’t make the darkness any brighter.
Similarly to being restricted by one choice, I feel restricted to moving forward from a job that doesn’t add anything to my life. With rent, bills, responsibilities in life that you have- how are you supposed to uproot your life into a brand new job when you have no trust in the choices that you’ve made?
Sure, this is the angst we all hear about that happens in your 20’s. The “who am I?” “what do I want?” circling our life path like vultures.
Watching other people live their dreams and achieve wonderful things gives me some sort of glimmer of hope that that could be me too, one day. One day that a choice will present itself so obviously that even the 17 year old me would be proud of. Be it another 10 years from now or tomorrow, I have to think that it can happen.
Here’s to experiencing the quicksand of life: second guessing your every move.
Xoxo,
Lost since 17.
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