26

I never thought the series of life events strung together to bring me to year 26 of life would include my struggle with anxiety.

Driving down the 5 Freeway coming home from a weekend of way too much alcohol and a much needed getaway, I was petrified. I couldn’t decide what was making my heart race; being hungover, nervous about getting back to reality, or just being in control of the car. I brushed it off and resulted it to just being tired.

Before I could make sense of what was happening, my legs began to go numb. It just felt like they were going to sleep. My heart was beyond racing at this point and my arms started to cave in as I gripped the wheel for dear life. I looked over at my fiancé and told him I needed to pull over and have him finish the drive. After barely making it off the freeway, I realized I just experienced a panic attack. The blood left my legs and my arms to aid my vital organs in order to fight whatever was telling my body that it was time to fight. I still can’t decide what it was that was making me so anxious- most of my experiences with anxiety haven’t had a reason and that scares me most of all.

Since then, I have experienced 2 more panic attacks and chronic anxiety. Even visualizing that situation now still gets to me. I never would have imagined that getting help would scare me most of all. I didn’t want to bring myself to believe that I was no longer in control of what was happening to me- not being in the drivers seat of my own life, pun intended.

I guess the parallel of turning another year older only to face a challenge you never thought you’d have to is only fitting. As I continue to fight to gain control over my anxiety, I have to think there’s a bigger place for all this worry to rest. A palace of my unrelenting angst to be coddled by perpetuating love and hope. Although I don’t respond well to “relax” or “just breathe through it” I’d like to think there’s a way for it to be subsided my my own feat. I hope 26 is a place for me to accept help and continue on my journey of self healing.

Xoxo, medicated.